Part II: Children of Disney

My friends, my wonderful people: I dislike children. They are loud(er than me, I don't like that), they cry, need someone to help them in the bathroom, and somehow they are always sticky. I am sure one day I will think ''wow! kids are dandy!'' but right now they are not awesome. If your husband, wife, lover, or significant other starts getting baby eyes, TAKE THEM TO DISNEY WORLD! They will never want them again, they will want to be "fixed". The stories I am about to tell you will be great birth control for you.

The Chub Nugget Princess

While in EPCOT, Rachael had to go to the bathroom. While she was washing her hands, this little girl maybe 6 years was dancing around her then slapped her in the face. IN.THE.FACE. The girl then just kept dancing and the mom just laughed about it. There was no apology. Just a chub nugget, a cracked out mom and a pissed off Rachael.

The Screaming Chub Nugget

My mom, and I were sitting a bench and while people watching we saw a great sight. A child that got out of his leash(Literally) and started running down the street SCREAMING and waving his arms in the air! Mom and dad chased him down and caught him, kinda. They first had to pull him off the light post. I was amused, but his parents looked quite embarrassed. That's what you get for having kids: embarrassment.

Three Amigos

Kyle and I got to have some time alone, so we went on the Mexico ride in EPCOT (it's were the young couples go). This family of 5 (2 parents, 3 kids under 6) were standing in line. The littlest Amigo just learning how to walk got away from mom and ran up through the line which was about 30 feet long. Dad barreled up the line taking people out to get his littlest amigo. The oldest amigo was a girl who looked like theoldest girl from "Despicable Me" and was actually pretty good, but she kept wanting to tell her mom a story. "mom mom mom mom mom hey hey hey did you hear about ummm Josie hheeeeeyyyyy mooooommmmmmmmmm." HEY LADY ANSWER YOUR KID! She won't stop until you answer. I was really annoyed by the parents and how they acted. The middle amigo was the worst of them all. He was a little boy about 3 or 4 who was scared of the Mexican ride. It featured Donald Duck and 2 other spanish ducks who were singing, not scary. The boy screamed and fought his parents to the point that the elderly couple behind us on the ride wanted to know if it was okay to throw someone overboard. The child finally calmed down. At the end of the ride though the child started to get upset again BECAUSE he had to get off the ride and he wanted to see Donald again. They will never be happy.

I know I know. I only have 3 really good stories to post. The other ones were just sad and upsetting. A lot of screaming and crying children in their strollers. I didn't want to put you through it. And yes, there were some good nice kids who were polite but you had to be looking for them. Rach's future child ( the weird looking ginger nugget) looked like a nice boy, kinda.

Okay, I hope you will take my advise. Go to Disney and if you are still thinking about kids, then go for it. But I am warning you, if your kids are bad in front of me I WILL tease them and probably blog about them.

The Family Vacation

Kyle and I just got back from vacation to Florida & Disney World.

Vacation Roster:

My family is awesome. There is no doubt about it. If anyone knows my family, stop and think about them. Think about a time you have talked to them. Are you smiling, shaking your head, or even laughing? This is the normal reaction, because we are all special.

Sharon: Grandma

Jim: Grandpa

Cathi: Mom

Paul: Dad

Rachael: Sister

Scottie: Brother-in-Law

Kyle: Husband

Amanda: Me

Part I: Quotes from the trip

Everyone shut their brain off on this trip. So. Rach and I decided to capture these quotes. More might come once Rach reads this and reminds me of more. (hint, hint)

" That Hulk Hogan, I would lick his windows." - Rachael after realizing she could live next to the Hulk. He lived very close to my grandparents.

"These seagulls don't know it but they are taunting me." - Scottie is a hunter and I have decided Scott only hunts out of hatred for all birds.

Do you know you are making yourself look like a fool right now? - 10 yr. old girl in Target talking to another 10 yr. old who was looking at products from Great Britain.

"Ooo, just walked out of the bitch hole."- Me. I am not sure what the bitch hole was but it was probably good we walked out of it.

"You are lucky there are people around, or you would have gotten it."- A mom to a little boy that just caused a domino effect of the line barriers helping people line up for the Hall of Presidents. It was so sad because before even looking at his mom he picked them all up and was stared down by the old cast member lady dressed up like she was from 1776. She didn't help this boy, neither did I. I did the " hahaha, awwwww" I laughed but felt bad. Poor kid.

"When Rach has kids, let's call them ginger nuggets! Why? Because they will be adorable and redheaded." - Me. It only makes sense that Rachael and Scott's kids are going to be cute and I pray every night for them to have gingers. It would make me truly happy.**

"Rach, look! There goes your future Ginger Nuggets." - Me. This is about these to ginger children walking through EPCOT. The first ginger kid was a 7 yr. old boy that was very skinny, pale and wearing 2 different shades of blues. He was very awkward and walked like he had a huge stick up his butt. The second ginger boy was a pudge muffin, walking like his legs couldn't bend or touch. I believe at the time his belly was hanging out of the bottom of his shirt and he was picking his nose. Rach was very upset and kept saying there are such things as pretty and normal gingers.**

"I am going to hide in a trash can." - Paul. He randomly made this comment at dinner. He later explained that he wanted to see how long it would take Disney to find him.

"Kyle stop budging in front of the ginger and other children. That is not very nice."- Kyle trying to budge in front of small children for a water slide.**

"The planes are sleeping." - Paul. We were on our way to the airport at 4:30 in the morning.

" Ooo look that man is wearing a hat." It was the end of the trip. That's all that can be said about this one.

Part II will come later. It will be about the children and Rascals. Preview: Rachael gets slapped by a child.

*Please don't take this seriously, I can see someone getting upset about Scott just hunting because he hates things. Don't be that person. It would be silly of you.

** I want to state that I have nothing against gingers. They are a fine people. They can be very pretty too. I know a bunch of pretty gingers, but let's be honest. It is a lot of fun to make fun of this rare breed of human. Gingers. Watch the South Park episode. You will laugh, even if you, yourself are a ginger. If you are offended, I once again say there are pretty gingers.

Valentine's Day- How lovely.

Everyone loves to hate Valentine's Day, but let's be honest if you got flowers, chocolates, or a nice card you would love it. It's corporate holiday to make us buy stuff but if someone bought you stuff, would you turn it down? I don't think so.

If you didn't get a Valentine today and hate today. I will make you love this day by leaving you Ralph Wiggum inspired Valentines.

Let the Headache begin

This morning my head feels like an enormous bomb went off between my skull and the skin on my forehead. I am in pain. So, today, the day before Valentine's Day, I am making Valentines and not moving from the couch. I will be taking several naps and watching movies such as Two Weeks Notice, The Pink Panther, and Stranger Than Fiction. I truly feel that moving today would be a horrible, horrible idea.

Because of my horrible headache and laziness I am going to only write a little but today. I want to let all of my work people know that even though I feel like a butthole** this morning, last night was a blast and we need to do that again!! I enjoyed dancing, singing, high fiving, and planning a trip to Flavor Flav's Chicken. Thank you for being awesome. I do have to say we are an amazing group of people!

In honor of last night and Justen Jones, here is a wonderful song:

**Butthole: this morning I talked to another person who had a lot of fun last night. He said he felt like a butthole, which when you think about it would be a horrible thing to feel like. So, I decided to use this word. Thank you hungover friend.

UPDATE: We have to go get Kyle's car which is downtown. I am very angry.

I am going to write a book.. but which one?

Today, Danielle and I needed something to make us feel better. So we decided we should write a book. Please help us decide which book we should write.

Here are all of our ideas:

A Manual for Boys: What Your Women are Trying to Tell You.

Everything will be in here, and I mean EVERYTHING.

The Life and Death of Danielle the Nun

There will be a carriage chase in that book.

101 Ways to Spice Up Your Life: Starting with Your Kitchen, then to Your Bedroom.

We got your cinnamon, your spice and everything nice.

How We Got Lost In... A Book for Travelers

I like to get lost and this way I can share all of my stories.

Danielle never gets lost but loves to travel so this book will be good.

How to Insult Boys Who are Too Stupid to Insult.

I think we all have dealt with the boy that is so stupid that you have no words that are mean enough to insult them. We help you insult them.

How to be Poor with Class

#1. Buy nacho cheese

How to NOT Kill Your Husband in the First Year of Marriage.

“Don’t start counting to clam down. It doesn’t work. If anything, you become more mad when they start laughing at you for counting.”

“Always threaten to start cooking with a food they hate. I always choose avocados or even just something simple like green peppers.”

A Cinderella Story: You Won't Find One, So Stop Looking.

It’s a comedy.

How to Prank a Water Buffalo and other Friends.

1. Have a friend call the prankee as a radio station while you are with the prankee.

2. Have your accomplice tell them that they just won concert tickets and a chance of

getting backstage passes!

3. Have your accomplice ask them, 'how excited are you?!' and 'let me hear your

excitement!'

4. After they have embarrassed themselves enough, have your accomplice say

something that lets the prankee know that you are behind the whole thing.

5. Success! You just pranked a Billy.

Canadian Death Street

The story of 2 girls, Sarah and Amanda, who get trapped in Canada who struggle to stay alive. There are Canadians and a ferris wheel!

What Not to Name Your Children Because We Will Laugh at Them.

Hint: If your last name is Wiener, Change it!

Kids: Good or Bad?

Pros: They giggle stupid, and you can dress them stupid for about 10 years

Cons: They wipe their boogers on booths at I Hops, and they scream about everything.

How to Become the Old Married Cat Lady, Not Just an Old Cat Lady

“Don’t tell your date about how you like to have cat parades in your living room with your cats dressed up like clowns and lion tamers”

Where Can I Find Montana? A Geography Lesson for People who Don’t Know Geography.

There will be maps and labels and description, so no matter who you are you will know where Montana, New Mexico and Vermont are.

Not Ready for Kids? 101 Ways to Get People to Stop Asking When You are Poppin’ Out a Mini You.

#1 Start calling your parents stupid names like gam gam and pee pa. Let them know you will train your children to call them that.

#2 Laugh at Walk Away

#3 Tell people you cant have kids, then they feel bad and never ask again. Don’t use this all the time, this is for extreme cases.

#4 Point out that someone else who is older than you is married and doesn’t have kids

#5 Ask if they like kids, if they do ask if they are going to raise it for you

#6 Point at something shiny and start walking towards it.

#7 Tell people you have none good knowledge to give your offspring. (Bad grammar is necessary)

#8 Say fine. I will just sleep with the next man i see and hope he is willing to be my baby's daddy, I will have one.

How to Make an Epic Christmas Sweater

Supplies needed: hot glue, sequins, feathers, bows, and bells.

Marilyn or Jackie? A Girl’s Guide to Whether or Not You Should Wear a Bag Over Your Face

Great read. We also ask the question: Are you a Mary or a Rhoda?

What to Expect When You're Expecting a Food Baby

Natalie gave us help on this one. She is great author.

Quickest Way to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach? FALSE! It’s Through His Pants.

We all know it, so we might as well write a book about it.

Why You'll Never Get Married, but She Will

“It’s because you are an asshole”

I hope you all will buy our books when they come out! Peace & Love!

Pictured: 3 authors: Danielle, me, and Natalie with Berticilous.

ALERT: I am annoyed!

I have decided to dedicated my blog to me being annoyed. Why not right? It is better for me to let this out than bottling it up and maybe blacking out and hurting someone. I am a happy person, truly I am, but I get annoyed real fast. I will add in happy thoughts about my day so you all can see that I am not always annoyed and/or angry.

Day 1: Someone stole my food at work.

Every morning I eat breakfast at work, I keep all of my food in my desk except for things that need to be refrigerated, such as CREAM CHEESE! I love my breakfast time of cream cheese and plain mini bagels with chocolate chips sprinkled on top. It is by far a highlight of my day.

Anyways, because I leave my cream cheese in the shared refrigerator, I label it with a large sharpie in large letters on the lid that say:"AMANDA'S, AMANDA'S" I do it twice just in case you like to skip to the end of a sentence. After labeling it, I stick in the the door's middle shelf. You can barely see it. This I think tells people: don't eat this, and if you do really want to eat it, go find the girl named Amanda (everyone in every parts of my office knows my name.) and ask her if you can have some. If you are polite enough to ask, of course I would share my cream cheese, and then later our friendship can grow because of connection and love of cream cheese.

Monday morning: I go to make my bagel, and I noticed I was low on cream cheese. I told a girl at my desk that I think someone might have taken some. I was annoyed and people in my area talked about how can I save my cream cheese from being kidnapped? Answer: I couldn't. These kidnappers are relentless.

Tuesday morning: I felt a little bad thinking someone stole my cream cheese, like I might have overreacted and maybe I had eaten a lot on Thursday and Friday and just had forgotten. Then I went to make my bagel... Guess what? Someone had scraped the bottom of the container. I barely had enough left for my 1 mini bagel, which is (guess what)really small! Not only did they steal my cream cheese but they took so much that I didn't have enough for my food! Who does that?! Honestly, if you have done this I want to know why! Just ask me! It has my name on it, I claimed this cream cheese as mine and you took as your own. Not cool.

If the person who took my cream cheese is reading this, here is my warning to you:

Next time I bring cream cheese, I will have my real container and a dummy container. The dummy container will be filled with Elmer's glue and Play-Doh (both non toxic, but very gross to eat.) and it will have ink on the outside so when you touch it your hands will turn red. ( I will catch you red handed!) I have thought about this for a very long time. Choose wisely next you want to eat my cream cheese.

Happy thought of the day: Erin and I are reupholstering her couch and we have both arms on the couch! Next Sunday, we are going to finish it! HOORAY!

From My Airport Terminal to Yours..

Good evening everyone!

Tonight I am blogging from the floor in Midway Airport in Chicago. I have 2 hours until my plane is here so I have plenty of time to tell you about my airport experience thus far. ( I have been here for an hour, better early than late.)

My Aunt Cissy brought me to the airport, because is she a wonderful person. She explains everything for me and how everything is going to go down and I have read all of the FAQ s on Southwest because I get nervous when I don't know what is going on. You could have quizzed me earlier today and I could have mapped out Midway for you, but the moment I walk into Midway I forget everything. I stood in a line to find out its for people with boarding passes who are checking there luggage. I have neither. So I quickly pretend like I was asking the worker a question. "Where do I print my boarding pass?" (good cover) I printed my boarding pass so quickly I second guessed myself . I got scared then metrosexual man behind me asked, " you done, or do you still need your boarding pass?" I just looked at him said I'm good then left.

Next step figuring out to go left or down... I followed the pro looking traveling lady in front of me. Let me tell you about my hero. She was about 5'7'' sandy blonde hair and she looked like her next step was to a mountain not security in an airport. She had a pinkish purple vest. Everything she did, I did. She saved me. When I got to security and they checked my boarding pass my older security lady wanted to know if I was with a group of girls I answered no and she said "good, too chatty and they never listen when you say one at a time!" (damn girls) I dislike these girls because they make my older friend cranky. Then I had to go through the screening part the people ahead of me were naughty and kept having water bottles and such in there bag. That was my expert after this point she stopped being my expert. By the looks of her, her name was Rhonda. Rhonda and I after this point were no more. She disappointed me. I did everything I need and got through security. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.

I found my gate ( so I thought and sat down across from it and watched the people.) And this is what I observed:

The Moving Walkway

I sat by a moving sidewalk for a very long time, and it would say, "the moving sidewalk is...". It would never finish its sentence so I can't tell what the moving walkway is. So sorry.

Also small children loves this thing. If your toddler is cranky, put it on the walkway and let them run on it. It's like crack to the kiddies.

Middle School Travelers

Cool calm and collected is the middle school traveler. Middle schoolers in the airport are like pros. There were about 4 or 5 groups of them (not together) just roaming by the gates and food places. They didn't flench that they were alone. They just got on their plane like it was nothing. I hate this because I was scared about traveling and I am 24! Bull Farts, that's dumb!

The Strutter

I was entertained frequently by this high school/college aged girl you kept using the sidewalk next to me as her personal runway. She never just walked to McDonald's or the bathroom but she strutted. I judged her walk and he style. She would never make it. Too big of steps and too much arm movement. Simplistic thinking is the way to go my young Paulina Porizkova. Just let the walk flow naturally. She was a favorite of mine.

Christian Basketball Girls

Being a bballer in a christian school at one point in my life I became proud of the high school bball team having fun with each other. They sat around and giggled and wooed and ahhed over texts from boys while eating thier McDonald's. They were cool and fun girls. They were polite too. They said please and thank you to the McDonald's workers, which was very nice but not taken nicely by the angry McDonald's workers. Anyways, I enjoyed them.

Ok I have just made an ass out of myself. I tired to sit in the chairs by my gate, but there was no outlet to charge my phone so I went back to my spot on the floor across the way from my gate. 30 minutes later they load up the plane before mine and I found a seat! Then realize I am not at the right gate at all. So, I circled to the other side, tried to find a seat at my new gate... It was a no go. So I just stood there looking stupid and having people stare at me like I would them. I just went back to my spot on the floor.

Ok everyone I found a seat at my gate and they are loading now! Have a Merry Christmas!!!